he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
