420 ftw
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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