I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
