Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Randomize
