Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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