I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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