then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
