Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
