I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize