I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
