Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
