We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
