Can i not drive my cunt home
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
