I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
