tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she told me i tasted like america
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
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