I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
