Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
