Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I need to align my fucking chakras
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