I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
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