giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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