Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize