My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
