I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
only if we run a train.
done.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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