I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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