Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
