shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I wear drunk well.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
