I'm pants shitting drunk right now
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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