Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
