I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
