if you like me you must not know who I am
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
