We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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