That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Mom said you looked used
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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