I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
