I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
