he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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