can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
