New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
we made out on top of his cat.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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