So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
