i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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