Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
