The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
In other news, I just burned my penis
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Randomize
