Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize