just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
