He uses pillows to masturbate.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
