The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
