i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
