I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
 go to hell.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
