I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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