Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
