You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Randomize
