Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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