I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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