Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
