Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Randomize