He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
