Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
