R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
