I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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