At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
