Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
