I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
